ApeMaster rates it   out of five boners

The ApeChild community reviews the flick everyone's talking about and the one everyone wants to believe is real.

Admit it.  You've seen the web site and heard the rumors.  You want to believe it's real but you know it's not.  You want to see it for yourself but don't want to waste your cash.  Being like most people, we at ApeChild.com, in a service to our local and greater online community, decided to acquire the tape, see it for ourselves, and share our thoughts with the world.

As the story goes, Britney Spears sought help with her backhand from tennis star Anna Kournikova.  Anna agrees to meet Britney at a hotel in L.A. on a day when both of their schedules permit and gives her some lessons on the court.  A guy with a camera hides in the bushes and films the two, and subsequently sneaks into their penthouse suite where the two go to change.  One thing leads to another, and you can probably imagine where it goes from here.

Britney Does Anna arrived approximately four weeks after it was ordered by an anonymous volunteer.  In addition to the featured footage, it also contains some 'bonus' materials, which I will discuss shortly.  The film opens with a surprisingly flashy trailer and excellent sound, most of which can be seen on the Britney Does Anna web site.  After a quick, low-budget introduction from the marginally-looking stars of the subsequent bonus footage, the film starts off with Britney and Anna warming up on the court.  Since the premise is that the footage was captured on a home DVR by a voyeur hiding in the bushes, the camera work is intentionally wobbly and unpolished.  The actresses do actually resemble their intended celebrities, although you have to work hard not to examine their faces too carefully in order to play along with the plot.  While the actress playing Anna looks quite similar from a distance, it is Britney who does an excellent job of playing the part: her hair, makeup, and ditzy body language are convincing.  The key is never to focus directly on either girl long enough to spoil the fantasy, and luckily the constantly shifting camera work and rarely focused angles help make this possible.

While the amount of time on the court seemed a little longwinded at times, particularly in anticipation of the events to come, it did provide the predictable plot introduction and segue to the second act.  After Anna spots the cameraman in the bushes, a security guard chases him off into the hotel where the two are staying.  His friend working at the hotel takes him to the Penthouse suite and lets him in to hide.  Britney and Anna soon arrive to relax after their workout on the court, and the pace of the film finally begins to pick up.  Anna decides to show Britney what they "do in Russia after practice," and predictably, the two end up in the bedroom taking each other's clothes off.  Anna's faux Russian accent is a riot, and Britney quickly proves that she's interesting in learning Russian culture.

The cameraman, hiding behind some seemingly enormous houseplants in the suite, captures the bedroom events unnoticed for the ensuing thirty minutes as the two take turns on each other.  Britney clearly appears to be the porn veteran of the two, while Anna is slightly less animated.  Maybe it was the repressive Soviet upbringing in her.  Again, the camera work is intentionally jerky and unfocused, although it is much improved from the court scenes.  But at this point in the movie, less emphasis should have been placed on trying to convince the audience of the unlikely plot, but rather on producing a great porn scene.  Inadequate lighting, shaky camera angles, and a lack of necessary close-ups just proved how low-budget the production was.  But since everyone was already expecting the film to be low-tech, you just need to accept the film for what it is and enjoy the nature of the plot, no matter how unlikely or how unbelievable it is.

Aside from an untimely close-up of a butt zit on Anna's ass and the lack of proper lighting, the film proved to be an enjoyable and entertaining spin on an unlikely rendezvous between two of the world's sexiest celebrities.  I was pleasantly surprised with the likeness and acting abilities of the two actresses, both of whom are quite attractive for the world of porn.  I recommend the video to anyone sharing a similar fondness of Britney and Anna and interested in an entertaining fantasy.  We just hope that the guys behind this incredibly simple yet brilliant idea make enough cash to create future, higher quality productions.  What's next?  Britney Does Christina?  Christina does Britney AND Anna?  The Olsen Tw...ahh, never mind.  I'm not going there.

Bonus Footage
The bonus footage, which appears to be completely amateur (i.e. not good), consists of two female "fans" of the Britney Does Anna film who get right down to business.  While I won't go into much detail, I will reveal that the two continue with the tennis theme, featuring a modified tennis racquet in one of the silliest props I've ever seen.  The actual camera footage is much better than the feature film preceding it, but unfortunately the girls aren't quite as hot as the Britney and Anna imposters.  One additional piece of bonus footage was also included, but I won't go into too much detail.  A conspicuously out-of-place and forgettable scene, the second bonus features soft-core lesbian Goth chicks incapable of keeping anyone's interest.

-ApeMaster

Dick rates it   out of five nuts

The film begins with some shaky footage of two blonde women on a tennis court, one apparently teaching the other some basic forehand techniques. The perspective suggests a peeping tom is secretly recording the activities from behind a chain-link fence. One notices a pony-tailed teacher and her enthusiastic pupil, who does indeed resemble Britney Spears. Unfortunately, the camera work is a bit unsteady, and while some viewers may enjoy the voyeur theme, I wanted to focus on Britney's forehand and remain undistracted as I stared at her tight little ass. Had I the opportunity, I would have given the cameraman a backhand and taken over.

Unfortunately, the peeping tom point of view is maintained throughout the vignette, first as the two women check themselves into a hotel suite, and throughout, as the fun begins and later ends in the bedroom. As one watches the action, one finds oneself continually lamenting the lack of proper lighting, the sometimes shaky footage, the muffled audio, and the lack of close-ups. That is, until one sees a bright pink zit on the ass of one of the actresses.

Butt-zits notwithstanding, I found the premise unconvincing at best (how would these women not have noticed some guy sitting behind a houseplant with a video camera?), and found myself wishing the director had foregone the voyeur motif in favor of something that would have allowed for higher quality picture quality.

The cameraman does finally get caught, and the story ends without much fanfare. The movie, however, does not. Indeed, one more scene awaits the viewer, in which two other women go at it with each other, even bringing out a tennis racket with a floppy rubber dildo attached to the grip, the base of which is wrapped in grip tape. This scene, while entertaining, no longer has the mystique of a 'Britney does Anna' storyline, and therefore disappoints a bit. Despite its fun diversions, the last scene is ultimately anticlimactic as the viewer realizes the Britney/Anna lovefest is over.

Bottom line? The women are attractive, the idea of Britney doing Anna is fun, and there's some decent girl/girl sex. Absent the novelty factor, however, the film is sadly just another low budget porn. The fantasy will make it worthwhile for the hardcore Britney and Anna fans out there, but for the connoisseur of high quality American porn, this one just doesn't cut it.

I rate it two nuts out of a total of five.

-Dick

Rodney rates it   out of five loads

My first reaction to Britney Does Anna was "Wow! I can't believe they actually got those two to make this video!" That being said, Britney Does Anna is a decent erotica film. The deep plot of the movie and unique filming styles remind me of Pulp Fiction or The Usual Suspects.

The video is split up into three sub-movies, each having a distinct taste (pun intended).

The first part of the video is the headliner, Britney Does Anna. The camera work in this part of the video is sub-par, although you can't expect much considering as Britney and Anna do not even realize they are being filmed (until later). This voyeur perspective is different and the cameraman does achieve some decent shots. The video must have been filmed a while ago, back when Britney had no implants. This is made clear when Britney removes her foam padding from her sports bra.  My biggest complaint about this part of the movie was the close up shot of the ass-zit (asscne) on Anna; that could have definitely been left out.

The acting in Britney Does Anna is natural and believable, I think mainly due to the fact they did not know they were being recorded. I never knew Britney and Anna were such good friends. 

Moving on to the second feature of this video, we get to see two Britney Does Anna fans; this part of the video isn't that bad. It explores the close relationship between two friends, and what feelings emerge after viewing their Britney Does Anna video. The camera work here definitely improves, and things start to get a bit freaky (unless you consider a tennis racket with a dildo taped on to the end of it normal).

Finally, the video comes to a close with one more freaky sub-film. This wannabe gothic piece throws a totally unexpected ending to the suspenseful plot. I personally did not like the ending, as I felt the acting and camera work were not up to par with the first two features. If you are into Goth shit, you may want to check it out though.

Overall, I'm glad I finally got to see this highly anticipated video. The internet buzz around this video is amazing, and I'm sure www.britneydoesanna.com is making a killing of this. I'm glad I skipped this movie when it was in theatres, but it's definitely worth a rental.

-Rodney