The title, while certainly not politically correct, wasn't my idea; this is actually the title of a recent Jerry Springer episode. And while I might burn in the fiery pits of Hell for finding this funny, I surely can't be the only one, as the video has been viewed 255,000 times. The video on Youtube is not safe for anyone offended by little people kicking the crap out of each other over a girl.
I guess they should consider themselves lucky that the prank-minded primate didn't leave flaming bags of poo for the firefighters arriving at the scene.
Unsure of what to get your wife or girlfriend this holiday season? Want to get that perfect present but don't know where to begin? Look no further, because ApeChild.com has done the work for you. Pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and sit on your fat ass while watching your lady ride the bony pony with a workout on the iGallop from Brookstone. Who needs Cinemax when you've got this thing? Be sure to click the demo video for what is quite possibly the funiest tongue-in-cheek product demonstration you will ever see. Go cowgirls!
Ahoy! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
So drink ye some rum and talk like a pirate, matey.
Except for you. You sound like an arse when you try to talk like a pirate.
Seriously. Just shut the hell up.
Here's an example of the perfect way to spoil a good ol' romantic moment.
Finally a good use for scooters!
Another site in the utterley-useless-yet-weirdly-fascinating-category is Cats That Look Like Hitler, proving that photos of cats make up some the best web sites (see Stuff On My Cat).
Here's a quick announcement for all you competitive cornholers out there:
Cornholing tourney planned in Terry
The Montana State Cornholing Doubles Championships will be in Terry on July 29, hosted by the Terry Chamber of Commerce in conjunction with the American Cornholing Association.
Please remember that this is a doubles match, so you'll need to link up with your best cornholing partner.
More about the competitive sport of cornholing can be found at www.playcornhole.org
P.S. - Does anyone know who Terry is? I kinda wanna meat her.
I've received a lot of emails from devoted fans over the months begging me to share some of my wedding photos after my marriage last fall. I was reluctant at first but have since decided to share some of my memories from that precious day with you, my devoted apechildren:
You knew it was inevitable to happen. Pimping out the car with flat screens, DVDs, playstations, Direct TV systems... You know some had porn playing in the background, especially on a guys' night out or perhaps a lonely, long road trip in the middle of the night (oh come on, don't tell me you haven't or at least the thought crossing your mind). The sensible ones would think twice and resist the temptation because of the worst case scenario(s). A) You get pulled over by a cop and would have to explain why your pecker was out or why you had scattered wet spots on your shirt/pants/kleenex/etc or B) getting into a wreck with a good possibility of severing your best friend.
Eddie Griffin, the 7th pick in the 2001 NBA draft (whom the Rockets traded Richard Jefferson and others to get [booooooooooo!]), just couldn't wait to get home to pleasure himself. While drunk, watching porn, and jerking off (allegedly), Eddie crashed his pimped out SUV into a parked car.
Griffin told the Pioneer Press a day after the accident that he crashed his car because he was reaching for a cell phone that had fallen off his lap. The complaint, filed in St. Paul District Court, alleges the crash occurred because he was "under the influence of alcohol" and masturbating while watching pornography on a TV set in his dashboard.
This isn't the first time Eddie has found himself in trouble; possession of marijuana, beating his wife and shooting a round off at her, unable to be coached and the Rockets wasting yet another high draft pick on "potential".
But I'm not bitter or anything......
Say what you want about Larry David. Say what you want about YouTube. But here they come together - by way of some masterful editing - to give us my hands-down favorite Curb Your Enthusiasm story line.
From now on... I'm like THIS!!
When CareerBuilder introduced their new customizable Monk-e-mails, I'm sure they must of known that cubicle monkeys all over the world would be coming up with the most offensive and abusive messages and sharing them with their friends. After all, it makes for great viral marketing. So, without further adieu, here is a Monk-e-mail contributed by an anonymous member of our community. If you can come up with something better, post the link in the comments section.
Sometimes, arguing with your wife or girlfriend just isn't a good idea. Even if you're right (and let's face it, chances are you're not), it might just be better just to concede defeat. You have to lose the occasional battle in order to win the war, so to speak. After all, if you piss her off too much, she might just rip your penis off with her bare hands.
A Philadelphia man is recovering from an attack, allegedly at the hands of his wife. The assault on his private parts has become public knowledge. In an interview with Action News after his release from [the hospital], the 52-year-old victim spoke of his terrifying ordeal.The 52-year-old Tioga-Nicetown man, who we are identifying only by his first name of Howard, arrived home late Wednesday, hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands.
The High Times magazine's softball team has started creating hilarious "potcasts" of each of their softball games in Central Park against other NYC-based magazines. A summary of their recent matchup against The Onion can be seen below. Not bad for a bunch of stoners.
Pittsburgh police found a dead dog dressed in blue jeans, a T-shirt, socks, tennis shoes and a baseball cap on the rear porch of a home on Monday. Police speculate that the dog, named Pimpin', was dressed post-humously. Perhaps for an open casket? Unfortunately for the poor pooch, its death was not a pretty one:
"The Allegheny County Medical Examiner's office X-rayed the dog's body and determined that it had been bludgeoned and stabbed to death days earlier."
I don't know what's worse: how the poor pooch died, or the fact that some jackass dressed it up after the fact.
With Katie Couric on the outs, it looks like the Today Show is looking for a ratings boost and turning to desperate measures. Housemoms all over the country unwittingly tuning in at the right moment must have horrified to discover that the story wasn't indeed a how-to on deepthroating, but rather a rather bland story about an investigation into inhalers.
In the aftermath of the tragedy that was Hurricane Katrina, many Gulf Coast victims are barely scraping by and doing what little they can to, ahem, stay afloat (sorry, that was really bad). Desperate times calls for desperate measures. So where is a cash-starved school district to turn in hopes of earning some much needed funds? Well, like the marketing tagline goes, "Whatever it is, you can get it on eBay". And apparently that even goes for flood-ruined schoolbuses.
For a mere five grand or so, you can "own a piece of history!!!", complete with a certificate of authenticty. "This is a collector's dream comes true," says the description on eBay. And, the folks of the Orleans Parish School District even provide a bit of comic relief with the following photo, which will no doubt help eager collectors in making an informed purchase.
Tired of riding an old inner tube around a lake during the summer months? Think wakeboarding is too 1990's? Not enough patience for kiteboarding? Then maybe it's time to get your fat ass into a "Kite Tube", spread those wings, and fly like the wind. While the concept -- and not to mention the hilarious video -- seem like a smorgasbord of fun, something tells me in reality that no amount of horsepower could get the average fatass off the ground. Not to mention the potential for horrific, gruesome fun for the whole family.
The internet has changed our lives in ways we can't even begin to fathom. From shopping online, to internet gambling, to online porn, to internet banking, the past ten years have barely tipped the iceburg of what is possible in the world of cyberspace. Until now. Perhaps no other web site in the history of the world has had such a profound and dramatic impact on modern life as Stuff On My Cat.
QVC host: "What kinds of things are you using your new Dell for, Randy?"
Randy (caller): "Well, you know, personal things, like porno. LOTS of porno. These new Dells are great for porno."
Hey, at least he's being honest.
As with many film dynasties, commercial and critical success often leads to sequels and spin-offs. Great films like Earnest Goes to Hell and Police Academy 19 were only made possible because of the success of the original. And so it is the case with this year's highly acclaimed Brokeback Mountain.
I guess it could be worse. You could be living in a development called the "Crabby Pines" or the "Scabby Hole".
I think ApeChild.com has officially found its new mascot: meet Nikolay Valuev, a 7'0" tall, 330lb Russian boxer, who not only is the largest competitive heavyweight boxer ever, but appears as if he walked right out of a cave some 30,000 years ago, got lost while hunting a woolly mammoth, and somehow stumbled into a boxing ring.
Because we know how you love your vittles and your beer guts, feast your lardass eyes and greasy artieries on some of the "foodstuffs of epic proportions", such as the fifteen pound burger shown below at the Supersized Meals blog:
If it seems like a scene straight out of Curb Your Enthusiasm, that's because it is. In one infamous episode of the show last year, Larry David picks up a prostitute -- not for sex, but rather so that he can use the car pool lane on his way to a ball game. In a case of life nearly imitating art, a 53 year old Colorado man was arrested yesterday for dressing up a mannequin in his passenger seat and using the car pool lane on his commute. I guess is was a good thing he opted for the dummy instead of a whore; his $115 fine probably would have been a lot more.
What's worse than having the world's worst job? Having an even worse resume by writing about it and sharing with your potential employers. These people should just kill themselves now and get it over with.
Ask your doctor for a reason to take Panexa. He probably won't give you a good one, but, like most mystery drugs, chances are, you need it. Click below for a great spoof site, fully endorsed by Tom Cruise, and be sure to check out the fine print for a good laugh.
Last week's American Idol actually had some pretty comedic moments, but none more so than the audition of Crystal Parizanski. The sixteen-year-old, in front of a television audience in the tens of millions, proved that she is no doubt one of the dumbest human beings on the planet, not to mention one of the freakiest-looking. Which is saying a lot in a world of Paris Hiltons and Jessica Simpsons. The best part? Her momma, who got a television roasting of her own and resembles the product of a horrific sex-change operation gone awry.
Guys - how many times have I told you not to stick things in your butt?
I know I've told you on at least six separate occasions, butt no, you insist on sticking things in your butt. Shampoo bottles... little fairy figurines you bought on QVC... flashlights... cell phones put on "vibrate" mode that you later call over and over again...
And now this. Won't you ever learn?
A German highway was the scene of one of the most tragic and horrific accidents recorded in recent history. The following graphic photo is not for the squeamish (click to enlarge):
There's nothing like that special bond that exists between a father and his daughter. Especially when you see the look of pure joy on your seven-year-old daughter's face when she learns how to fire a belt-fed .50 caliber machine gun for the very first time.
I pity the poor critters that might have been wandering around the Oklahoma hillside during this video in what more closely resembles Vietnam's The Valley of Death.
And if you make your way to the Oklahoma Full Auto Shoot's official web site, you will see the following quote on their home page:
"Due to a situation between Firing Line and The Bunker, we will no longer be having the OFASTS shoot at the D-Day location."
I don't know the story behind this, but one can only assume the "situation" involved something exploding and meeting an untimely end.
How's this recipe for disaster?
Can someone explain to me why the homeowner - who surely knows that the dry, windy conditions are favorable for a fire, considering 10 homes have burnt to the ground in recent weeks - was even burning leaves to begin with? And can someone tell me how quickly PETA will react to a guy tossing a rodent into a fire? Someone tell Pamela Lee the line forms to the left.
Just when I begin to worry that my home town is getting too big, it's good to know our local law enforcement are still bored as hell on New Year's Eve. So bored, in fact, that they were not only chasing down several pesky teenagers who -- the NERVE -- wanted to drink and party on New Year's, but actually spent several hours in the early pre-dawn morning monitoring a residence after no one answered the cops' knocks on the door.
Rather than leaving the party and drinking and driving, those teens who stayed and crashed at the place for the night were awarded with an abrupt awakening by the sounds of police breaking the doors down after obtaining a search warrant..
"Police maintained a watch on the home while officers obtained a search warrant. Several hours later, not long before dawn after the partiers had gone to sleep, police forced their way inside."
And, here comes the real shocker! Call in the National Guard! Order the air strikes!
"Police say they also confiscated some marijuana glass bongs."
Bummer, man. But the real kicker was just how large a threat these booze-soaked teenagers really posed:
"Police say some are from nearby towns, including Milton and Fairfax. Winooski and Milton police assisted at the scene."
It's good to see our local law enforcement agencies coming together for such a just and noble cause, and this will undoubtedly serve as a model of collaboration and efficiency for other agencies around the world.
Note to parents: before booking your next family vacation at Disney World or traveling with your kid's soccer team or boy scout troop, it might be a good idea to check with your hotel to make sure the local chapter of NAMBLA isn't convening, or that a porn convention isn't in town. Such was the case at an Orlando Hyatt the other day, where parents and their kids in town for a soccer tournament were surprised to find a swingers party at the same hotel for New Year's Eve. The parents likely had an awkward ride home trying to explain the other guests' behavior to their kids:
"The families said the sexually adventurous partygoers sometimes flashed breasts and bare buttocks in front of the children as they sashayed through the hotel atrium. The parents described the dress at the Crowne Plaza Hotel-Airport in Orlando as raunchy, despicable and worse than prostitutes.'We thought we were coming to Orlando, not the Las Vegas Strip', said Mark Gilbert, the father of a boy who plays on the Clearwater Chargers, a group of 13-and-under players from Florida."
Such was likely the case for Paul Camporini, who was there with his wife and seventh- and eighth-grade kids for the soccer tourney and said he had to "delicately explain to my Catholic school children that swingers change partners during the evening." One can only wonder how he explained why Micky was humping Daisy Duck while Snow White was getting tag-teamed by Goofy and Tigger.
It's no secret that SNL has been going downhill faster than Britney's Bikini Calendar stock. So it was definately a breath of fresh air to catch Dane Cook on SNL last week.
Dane and I actually went to the same high school, so it's good to see someone else having the same amount of success as I have in my years since graduation. God knows it's been tough on me, hogging all the limelight over everyone else from good ol' AHS. I'm glad he came along to take some of the pressure off.
I say good for Dane and good for SNL finally casting some talent and putting together a decent show for the first time in the new millenium.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fetch me a can of cashews.
Just when I was thinking it's been a while since the last time we've reported on the subject, this little story was spotted on Yahoo. Not only did some sick bastard have sex with a horse while his buddy filmed it, the bastard later died from internal injuries suffered during the act. Karma's a bitch, huh? I guess this guy had it coming to him when the horse got all "Deliverance" on the guy:
"Tait admitted to officers that he entered a neighboring barn last July with friend Kenneth Pinyan to have sex with a horse, charging papers said. Tait was videotaping the episode when Pinyan suffered internal injuries that led to his death."
Christmas is coming soon, and so are dozens of women in this clever, safe-for-work Christmastime ad for a UK adult women's toy shop:
It's no secret that Americans have been turning into a bunch of overweight fatasses over the past few decades. But just how fat are we getting? Researchers are saying that newer, longer needles are now needed in order for doctors to properly inject drugs into our ass muscle. And pity the poor researchers:
"Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug."
If we keep going at this pace, our doctors are going to need a six inch needles just to shoot up our asses within a few years. Perhaps it will then be an appropriate time to find a new place for intramuscular injections, such as the cankle.
There's nothing like some good ol' videos of accidents. No, not the ones of dudes getting their limbs ripped off or of a small ultralight airplane running out of gas at a rather inopportune time, but rather the ones you can laugh at knowing that it's not at the expense of someone's horrific death.
This first video is a classic example of what happens when there are about 200 dudes racing bicycles on a narrow little road and one guy is showing off for the cameras. Oh, the joy of seeing the domino effect of twisted human flesh and aluminum bike frames. Watch the slo-mo replays of the very first guy to go down and how many other bikes level him. - 2MB, WMV format
I wonder who the genius was who thought of this brilliant idea: hey, wouldn't it be cool to have some skinny little model riding a massive horse down the narrow runway of a crowded fashion show? I dunno, I mean, what could possibly go wrong here? - 1MB, WMV format
